I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
