just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
