don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
