I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
