his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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