So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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