i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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