i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i will never coherently bang her
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
