i think my mom watched the whole time
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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