I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize