I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Randomize
