So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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