Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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