she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
