Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize