Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
