I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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