College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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