i just sent this text using only my big toe
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
