the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize