but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
