dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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