he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
