this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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