okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
