My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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