the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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