Welp...herpes.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
