I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
