The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
