so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
