apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
