I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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