went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
How does one acquire holy water?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize