The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
