I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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