Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
