watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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