i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Someone shattered a urinal.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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