Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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