Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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