I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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