i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
