Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize