She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
