after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
