how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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