apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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