You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
