a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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