I got chris browned last night
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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