On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
