My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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