Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
