That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
