The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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