I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
