She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize