Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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