I'm jealous of your bromance
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
