I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
