Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize
