I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
